Reverse Gay-dar

According to my sister Kelli, I suffer from what you would call "reverse gay-dar." Rather than sniffing out and disregarding men who appear to be gay, I instead sniff them out and become instantly attracted. It's not that I want what I can't have, it's just that I honestly don't realize they're gay.

OK, here's the back story. My first year at BYU, there was this guy that lived in my apartment complex who I thought was a Greek god reincarnate. Seriously, he was HOT. And the fact that he dressed well made him even hotter. In fact, he dressed a little too well. My friend picked up on this and teased me that he was gay, but I disregarded her with the rationalization that, "we're at BYU." Rock solid argument, I know.

Anyways, I was looking at one of my friend's facebook page the other night and saw that she was friends with that certain "old flame" (I wish) and asked her what the connection was (and I won't lie, I wanted her to hook me up). She promptly replied, stating that she was "tight with the underground BYU gay community," had met him through "one of his boyfriends," and that he was "gay, gay, gay, gay, GAY."

I always had a feeling that my affinity towards metro guys would eventually cause problems.

Verbal Vomit

I realized that I am not entirely aware of 'Blog manners' concerning what is and is not appropriate to post, so I apologize if I over step my bounds. I don't want to come across as one of those overly emotional teenagers who publishes their personal lives for the world to read, but this is significant to me (and is therapeutic if nothing else). Anyways, let the verbal vomit begin.

I broke up with my boyfriend on Thursday. Keep in mind, I'm not looking for sympathy (like I said, I "broke up" with him). In fact, we ended on very good terms and agreed to work on becoming better friends. And I can honestly say that I don't regret anything. Yes, the relationship didn't and couldn't lead anywhere and that has been hard for me, but I learned so much about myself and what I want out of a relationship in general these past few months (the last few days especially).

I never understood before why people would say that best friends make the best boyfriends. I always responded with, "but if you don't work out, you've lost a friend." I now see that all those people were right. You really do need that friendship foundation in place first. For example, near the end of the relationship I realized that I wasn't myself around him and wasn't comfortable speaking freely. Not only that, but I didn't like the person I became. It wasn't me. But if you are able to be friends with the person before all of the physical factors and tension come into the picture, I imagine that it would make everything that much easier because you'd already know that you can be yourself and that the potential-significant-other would still accept you. Another reason why forming a friendship first is such a good idea is because I've noticed that when you're so caught up in the moment and the thrill of it all, you don't see the person clearly. You subconsciously try so hard to make everything about the person perfect that you overlook the things about them that don't necessarily compliment your personality.

I always thought of myself as a mature person for my age. But looking back, I realize that my attitude towards relationships was very, very immature. I would see a cute boy and decide I liked him purely based on physical aspects. I always knew that relationships were deeper than that, but as someone who had never really gotten to that point in a relationship, it was hard to relate. I've discovered now that if there isn't any sort of mental, or rather intellectual, connection and if you can't bounce ideas off of each other or ever talk about anything of significance, it really doesn't matter how good-looking the person is. You reach a point where you crave something deeper that no amount of charming smiles can fulfill.

I probably sound extremely naive right now, but I don't mind because I know that I have learned so much. And don't worry, I realize that most of my comments were purely speculative. One day I'll look back and roll my eyes at what I've just written. I just feel the need to write this down because my perspective has been dramatically altered. I guess this post was more for me to vent and get all of my ideas out, so I apologize to all of you who sat through it. I also apologize if I divulged too much personal information.

A Well Needed Update...On Ice!

Well, I survived my ridiculous load of homework this week, so I guess this means that I need to stay true to my promise and provide a well needed update of what has been going on in my life lately.

At the request of Mom, Kassie, my roommates, and everyone else familiar with my non-social tendencies, I have been attempting to attend almost every major ward activity this semester, one of which was the ward Halloween party, which actually took place the Monday before Halloween (we've already established that I'm really far behind in my postings). Unfortunately, dressing up for the activity (I was a pirate...I know, so original) was more fun than the activity itself, but I did get some good pictures of my roommates and various other members of the ward attempting to play twister. These may even be blackmail worthy.

The most recent ward activity was on Friday and took place at the local ice skating rink. Honestly, I don't care much for ice skating and about fifteen minutes and one embarrassing fall after the activity started, called it quits and spent the rest of the evening sitting on the benches with my roommates where we enjoyed drinking hot chocolate and laughing at various members of the ward "attempting" to skate. I have to say though, I don't know why leaders keep insisting on having these ice skating events because, without fail, someone ends up being stupid and then has to go to the emergency room. Last year, a boy fell and had to get several stitches in his head. This years lucky victim, after racing with one of his pals, crashed into the barrier and broke his leg (don't worry, he's fine). People never learn.

My lovely roommates and myself playing with the camera to pass the time. Anna couldn't skate due to an ankle injury and Becky, like me, just doesn't skate.

I don't remember this guy's name, but I just thought it was awesome that he wore a helmet.

Ice skating is really just another excuse for guys to grab each other without having their masculinity questioned.

Here is the proof that I at least attempted to ice skate. I have to admit, however, that the only reason why I even got on the ice in the first place was because of *sigh* a boy (this is Scott, by the way).